I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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