I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
