dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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