I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
