all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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