She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
