sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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