I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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