i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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