It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
