if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
