Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
