So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
