I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
