if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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