I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
