This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
