Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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