I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
