Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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