Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
