i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You can't just leave with hair like that
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Randomize
