The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
