Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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