I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
