There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
