I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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