Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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