I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
