Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you didnt know i had herpes?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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