I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
