blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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