Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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