you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
