I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
