Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
be right there i have to get my cape
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
