I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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