I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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