Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
