Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
