I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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