I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My ass is underappreciated
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Randomize
