We're facebook friends in real life
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
