Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
