I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
