I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Randomize
