These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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