Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
