all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
