so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
