my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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