I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Pants 0. Shit 1.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Let's get the cat blown out
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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