not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
are you so shy because you have an std?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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